they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
