Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
