we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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