I could make wine with my vomit
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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