i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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