Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize