New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
