I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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