when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
