forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
