The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
