He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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