either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
