I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
