I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize