he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
