He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
