Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize