I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
