btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
