You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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