wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
