I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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