and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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