Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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