Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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