He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
