I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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