You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
