Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
