i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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