Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
