My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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