I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
