I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
