You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
