My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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