OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
