I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
