wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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