he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
