Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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