Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
