Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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