i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
