chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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