I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
