i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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