Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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