i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
