The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
