I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
This baby is an asshole
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
