So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
