i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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