He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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