I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize