everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
